And now as I return to Herby Cottage for a second summer I can see the transformation clearer than ever. The Kim that lived here last year within these four walls fighting her inner demons and delving deep within herself in order to find an identity fought an almighty battle, which can still be felt within these stone walls. Her heavy heart and negative thoughts are still palpable all around me as I lay my weary head down, tired from the ski season. Self loathing and obsessive behaviours are still lurking in amongst the shadows, lingering around in the hope of latching back onto their friendly host which fed them so well last year. But this year they do not recognise her and soon decide to pack up their bags and go in search of a new host to haunt.
It has certainly been a wonderful yet confronting experience coming face to face with the two very different Kim’s that have lived within these 4 stone walls which I call home for 7 months of the year. I knew the five months spent working a ski season had changed me, but I wasn’t quite ready to witness the changes so drastically in front of my very own eyes as I walked through those doors. The contrast has been a confirmation that I have grown and become a stronger, happier, more independent woman. I feel more confident than I ever have before and now understand my capabilities, passions and strengths, which were only just beginning to dawn on me as I left Tuscany in October last year.
So, with depression and loneliness dealt with for now, I am able to admire Italy with new eyes and feel content with the knowledge that happy people surround me in every direction and know that it is a sign that I too am happy. And now I am able to get on with the art of living here in Bella Toscana Ancora.
7.22.2009
Dark Clouds Descending
Yes, this subject is very personal. Yes, it is very private, yet somehow I feel I should bring it to light. Many of us unnecessarily hide from our demons, living within a world of silence and suffering due to never seeking the refuge of a helping hand and that is why depression is still a taboo subject, even today, especially in the young. As a Naturopath I treated many patients with depression, many of them as young as 14 whom had been clinically diagnosed and consequently medicated. I hope by highlighting my own plight with my demons I can continue to help people, by simply just bringing light to it and not allowing it to continue living within the shadows.
Before I tell my tale I should firstly begin by explaining how my own naivety led me to perceive depression in the past. I wrongly believed that there was a weaker ‘type’ of person whom chose to become depressed due to their life circumstances, rather than it being an actual condition which could strike even the strongest of individuals. Judgingly, I believed it was a state of mind which you could control and free yourself of easily. I believed I possessed a happy disposition and optimism which would exclude me from the clutches of depression. I simply thought it would never happen to me. Of course I was in denial for a long time about my own depression as I couldn’t admit to myself that I had chosen it. I had allowed a victimised persona to infiltrate my life, which perpetuated a depressed and lonely state of mind within me.
I say I was in denial about my depression but rather I was conscious of its presence the whole time. I just simply couldn’t admit it to myself, which is so often the case. My self loathing thoughts and obsessive behaviours, which I can now see as the symptoms of my mild depression became a part of my life without me wanting to acknowledge their presence. They seemed to sneak in through my back door. And who knows, if they had have come knocking on my front door to announce themselves, I am not sure I would have even had the strength to turn them away anyway. I was already so battered from the storm which seemed to be following me around that I am sure I would have said “Oh Hello, self loathing, low self-esteem and obsessive behaviours, How are you? Come on in, I haven’t met you before!”
It’s when you’re lost in these woods of depression, that it can take you a while to realise that you ARE actually lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered a few feet off the path, and that you’ll find your way back to the trail any moment now. That you’re just having a few off days and you will resume back to your normal self any minute now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are and its time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore. It is like being sucked into a dark tunnel where everything is tarnished a dark charcoal colour. Everything is the same yet you can’t feel the way you used to about it all. The dark clouds just seem to follow you around making everything seem darker than usual.
It still deludes me as to how I missed all the classic signs of mild depression in my own nature at the time. As a Naturopath I was well versed in looking for signs of depression in patients, but again as often is the case, admitting to oneself that they have all the classic signs of mild depression is like asking someone to pull out their own two front teeth. No one wants to put themselves through that pain just as much as they want to be labelled with depression, especially someone whom doesn’t believe it could happen to them, as was the case for me. I thought of it as having to stand on a pedestal in front of all my peers with their full attention and having to admit my own defeat and failure. Then having to stand down from that pedestal with the weight of the shame from it all on my shoulders.
Once self loathing and obsessive behaviours had slipped in my back door I knew full well I was depressed although even then I still would never admit it to myself. The very notion of admitting defeat was like admitting to myself that I had become one of those weak people and that thought alone was worse than actually believing I was depressed. I didn’t want to be weak more than anything else in the world. Even the reasoning part of my mind trying to explain to my ego that it was ‘depressed’ was enough for my ego to stamp my foot down onto the ground with force, declaring that “I was NOT depressed!” I allowed my stubborn and arrogant view of depression to form a barrier against my own plight because I was simply too proud to admit that I had become weak enough to choose it.
It was a battle which I carried around with me everywhere. The word battle, is actually quite an apt word for the way I dealt with my depression because as I have said, I was conscious of its presence constantly around me, infiltrating my personality, and halting my life causing me to become consumed by its clutches. Depression sapped all of my strength and replaced it with weaker, less attractive traits such an insecurity and low self esteem. I found I had no self discipline anymore and perspective was simply no longer a part of my vocabulary. I was struggling through life feeling lonely and inadequate. I had become completely stagnant with my own thoughts festering within me. I couldn’t make a clear decision and I felt like I was in reverse most of the time. Life tripped along like this for many months until I was able to build up enough courage to face up to my demons, letting them know full well that I was going to break free of their shackles, and I was going to do it all on my own, I didn’t want help from anyone around me. I knew it was a fight I had to take on my own and I would win even if it meant I did have to pull out my two front teeth! Loosing was not an option!
There aren’t too many people who can say that they have been able to witness their transformation as dramatically as I have. Nor gone to such drastic measures to combat their depression. I took on my depression like it was the fight of my life. I made a life changing decision to leave my homeland and begin a new life in a foreign country in the hope of being able to finally throw off its shackles. I crossed oceans and travelled tens of thousands of miles to try and finally escape my demons. I hoped that they couldn’t swim the distance or track me down in my new found life. I wanted to box them up and leave them where they had come from. Although deep within me I knew this was not going to be the case, I knew they would track me down eventually, as all demons do. I was just hoping to travel to a new place where perspective would be able to infiltrate my life and by actualising my dream of living in Italy, I would give myself enough happiness and strength to begin to fight them off properly.
As I expected, depression and loneliness did eventually track me down after only a couple of months of being in Italy. The novelty and the overwhelming excitement of such an extraordinary change in my life, the happiness in which I found from setting myself free and the strength which came with making such a decision weren’t enough to keep my familiar friends of the last 18 months at bay. They returned to reacquaint themselves with me yet again. I was feeling contented within my new scene, Italy had certainly given me the space and perspective I had longed for, but the long days spent in the company of my thoughts and the endless lonely nights allowed my two menacing friends to infiltrate my life yet again.
I wasn’t really surprised to see them, I knew they would track me down eventually, although I just wished they hadn’t have found me in such a beautiful part of the world. My haven from the rest of the world was giving me the rest I needed and already my thoughts had become clearer. I had fought off the lonely nights of insomnia and began to allow rhythm back into my body. But I knew they needed to be dealt with properly. Italy was going to become the battle ground in which I would take on these demons for good. They had followed me across oceans, thousands of miles wide, and I was not going to let them follow me around any further! Although this wasn’t going to happen without a struggle.
The lonely nights and in a place where I had I all the time in the world to sit and contemplate, I got to thinking too much and then my thoughts turned to brooding and that is when they would catch up with me. Depression and loneliness stripped me of any joy I had been carrying with me. Depression even confiscated my identity, as he always does. Then loneliness would start interrogating me, which I constantly dreaded because it could go on for hours, until I was so worn out by my thoughts that I became exhausted. Loneliness, although polite, was relentless; he always tripped me up eventually. He asked me why I thought running away to Italy like a scared little kid was going to make me happy, he asked me how I planned to go through life running away from my demons and what would become of me if I continued to live like this? Loneliness made it quite clear that I couldn’t hide from my demons anymore and that the only way forward was to find myself. To regain an identity which my demons wouldn’t be able to recognise or infiltrate.
This was obviously not as simple as a new hair cut or a new wardrobe. These demons couldn’t be fooled. Regaining my identity meant stripping away every layer, right down to the very core of myself. Characteristics of my personality, beliefs, values and morals were all examined and redefined. The inner machinery which made me tick was given a good clean out and anything I didn’t like I discarded. I discovered what a large number of factors constitute a single human being. Realising how many layers we operate on and how very many influences we receive from our minds, our bodies, our histories, our families, our cities, and our souls. I came to feel that my depression was probably some ever-shifting assortment of all those factors, and probably also included some stuff I couldn’t name or claim. So I faced the fight at every level. I assaulted myself by combing through each and every piece of myself in order to try and understand why I had allowed myself to take on that victimised persona. Why I had blamed those around me and the circumstances which had began to shape my life. It was a fairly ugly time in which I delved deep into the pits of who I am in order to redefine and re-acquaint myself with my own identity.
And as the pain poured put of me and I could feel the shackles finally becoming looser around my limbs. The endless crying began to subside. I no longer found myself curled up in the same old corner of my same old bed in tears yet again over the same old repetition of sorrowful thoughts. I found a new strength had begun to consume me. I could feel the shackles being removed and the freedom in being able to move my own body the way I wanted to again, without being hampered by the weight of those heavy shackles anymore. I was free and in control again.
When I looked in the mirror I began to like what I saw rather than look away in disgust. Self loathing was beginning to retreat out the back door. The familiarity of self confidence and independence walked straight back in the front door announcing they were home again. My obsessive behaviours were being replaced by the familiar traits of myself whom had been in hibernation, in the hope of preserving themselves from being damaged. Determination and my capable nature got to work again with my new clear decisions which were flowing from every part of my brain. It was during this time that I could feel my new identity was ready to take on the world again. I felt renewed and ready to allow fun into my life. I was craving it more than anything else. I wanted to allow my new found happiness to shine and create a world in which my happiness became so addictive and charismatic to everyone around me. I wanted more than anything to be that person that everyone would look at and instantly feel envious of for being able to shine so brightly.
Depression itself is a lonely place. It is a personal battle with oneself and without doubt the only person whom is able to make those dark clouds disappear is oneself. That is generally why when people do finally throw away those shackles they find themselves to be much stronger individuals than they ever were before. When they finally break through those dark clouds and find the sunshine again, everything seems to carry a hue which is brighter and more beautiful than before. It is quite a euphoric experience in which defines and refines an individual. It can be just as good as a good old fashioned spring cleaning or a sort out of ones wardrobe. But just like with anything, I now understand that happiness is something which needs to be worked at constantly. Retreating back to those dark thoughts and remembering those dark clouds is something which I allow to happen periodically in order to appreciate what I have now. I once prayed and asked for something to make me happy again and now I find myself continuing to be grateful and asking for it to continue, knowing full well that I hold the key to my own happiness.
Have you ever stared out into the rain?
Thought the clouds were meant for you?
Have you ever screamed out into the dark,
For these demons to disappear?
Before I tell my tale I should firstly begin by explaining how my own naivety led me to perceive depression in the past. I wrongly believed that there was a weaker ‘type’ of person whom chose to become depressed due to their life circumstances, rather than it being an actual condition which could strike even the strongest of individuals. Judgingly, I believed it was a state of mind which you could control and free yourself of easily. I believed I possessed a happy disposition and optimism which would exclude me from the clutches of depression. I simply thought it would never happen to me. Of course I was in denial for a long time about my own depression as I couldn’t admit to myself that I had chosen it. I had allowed a victimised persona to infiltrate my life, which perpetuated a depressed and lonely state of mind within me.
I say I was in denial about my depression but rather I was conscious of its presence the whole time. I just simply couldn’t admit it to myself, which is so often the case. My self loathing thoughts and obsessive behaviours, which I can now see as the symptoms of my mild depression became a part of my life without me wanting to acknowledge their presence. They seemed to sneak in through my back door. And who knows, if they had have come knocking on my front door to announce themselves, I am not sure I would have even had the strength to turn them away anyway. I was already so battered from the storm which seemed to be following me around that I am sure I would have said “Oh Hello, self loathing, low self-esteem and obsessive behaviours, How are you? Come on in, I haven’t met you before!”
It’s when you’re lost in these woods of depression, that it can take you a while to realise that you ARE actually lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you’ve just wandered a few feet off the path, and that you’ll find your way back to the trail any moment now. That you’re just having a few off days and you will resume back to your normal self any minute now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are and its time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don’t even know from which direction the sun rises anymore. It is like being sucked into a dark tunnel where everything is tarnished a dark charcoal colour. Everything is the same yet you can’t feel the way you used to about it all. The dark clouds just seem to follow you around making everything seem darker than usual.
It still deludes me as to how I missed all the classic signs of mild depression in my own nature at the time. As a Naturopath I was well versed in looking for signs of depression in patients, but again as often is the case, admitting to oneself that they have all the classic signs of mild depression is like asking someone to pull out their own two front teeth. No one wants to put themselves through that pain just as much as they want to be labelled with depression, especially someone whom doesn’t believe it could happen to them, as was the case for me. I thought of it as having to stand on a pedestal in front of all my peers with their full attention and having to admit my own defeat and failure. Then having to stand down from that pedestal with the weight of the shame from it all on my shoulders.
Once self loathing and obsessive behaviours had slipped in my back door I knew full well I was depressed although even then I still would never admit it to myself. The very notion of admitting defeat was like admitting to myself that I had become one of those weak people and that thought alone was worse than actually believing I was depressed. I didn’t want to be weak more than anything else in the world. Even the reasoning part of my mind trying to explain to my ego that it was ‘depressed’ was enough for my ego to stamp my foot down onto the ground with force, declaring that “I was NOT depressed!” I allowed my stubborn and arrogant view of depression to form a barrier against my own plight because I was simply too proud to admit that I had become weak enough to choose it.
It was a battle which I carried around with me everywhere. The word battle, is actually quite an apt word for the way I dealt with my depression because as I have said, I was conscious of its presence constantly around me, infiltrating my personality, and halting my life causing me to become consumed by its clutches. Depression sapped all of my strength and replaced it with weaker, less attractive traits such an insecurity and low self esteem. I found I had no self discipline anymore and perspective was simply no longer a part of my vocabulary. I was struggling through life feeling lonely and inadequate. I had become completely stagnant with my own thoughts festering within me. I couldn’t make a clear decision and I felt like I was in reverse most of the time. Life tripped along like this for many months until I was able to build up enough courage to face up to my demons, letting them know full well that I was going to break free of their shackles, and I was going to do it all on my own, I didn’t want help from anyone around me. I knew it was a fight I had to take on my own and I would win even if it meant I did have to pull out my two front teeth! Loosing was not an option!
There aren’t too many people who can say that they have been able to witness their transformation as dramatically as I have. Nor gone to such drastic measures to combat their depression. I took on my depression like it was the fight of my life. I made a life changing decision to leave my homeland and begin a new life in a foreign country in the hope of being able to finally throw off its shackles. I crossed oceans and travelled tens of thousands of miles to try and finally escape my demons. I hoped that they couldn’t swim the distance or track me down in my new found life. I wanted to box them up and leave them where they had come from. Although deep within me I knew this was not going to be the case, I knew they would track me down eventually, as all demons do. I was just hoping to travel to a new place where perspective would be able to infiltrate my life and by actualising my dream of living in Italy, I would give myself enough happiness and strength to begin to fight them off properly.
As I expected, depression and loneliness did eventually track me down after only a couple of months of being in Italy. The novelty and the overwhelming excitement of such an extraordinary change in my life, the happiness in which I found from setting myself free and the strength which came with making such a decision weren’t enough to keep my familiar friends of the last 18 months at bay. They returned to reacquaint themselves with me yet again. I was feeling contented within my new scene, Italy had certainly given me the space and perspective I had longed for, but the long days spent in the company of my thoughts and the endless lonely nights allowed my two menacing friends to infiltrate my life yet again.
I wasn’t really surprised to see them, I knew they would track me down eventually, although I just wished they hadn’t have found me in such a beautiful part of the world. My haven from the rest of the world was giving me the rest I needed and already my thoughts had become clearer. I had fought off the lonely nights of insomnia and began to allow rhythm back into my body. But I knew they needed to be dealt with properly. Italy was going to become the battle ground in which I would take on these demons for good. They had followed me across oceans, thousands of miles wide, and I was not going to let them follow me around any further! Although this wasn’t going to happen without a struggle.
The lonely nights and in a place where I had I all the time in the world to sit and contemplate, I got to thinking too much and then my thoughts turned to brooding and that is when they would catch up with me. Depression and loneliness stripped me of any joy I had been carrying with me. Depression even confiscated my identity, as he always does. Then loneliness would start interrogating me, which I constantly dreaded because it could go on for hours, until I was so worn out by my thoughts that I became exhausted. Loneliness, although polite, was relentless; he always tripped me up eventually. He asked me why I thought running away to Italy like a scared little kid was going to make me happy, he asked me how I planned to go through life running away from my demons and what would become of me if I continued to live like this? Loneliness made it quite clear that I couldn’t hide from my demons anymore and that the only way forward was to find myself. To regain an identity which my demons wouldn’t be able to recognise or infiltrate.
This was obviously not as simple as a new hair cut or a new wardrobe. These demons couldn’t be fooled. Regaining my identity meant stripping away every layer, right down to the very core of myself. Characteristics of my personality, beliefs, values and morals were all examined and redefined. The inner machinery which made me tick was given a good clean out and anything I didn’t like I discarded. I discovered what a large number of factors constitute a single human being. Realising how many layers we operate on and how very many influences we receive from our minds, our bodies, our histories, our families, our cities, and our souls. I came to feel that my depression was probably some ever-shifting assortment of all those factors, and probably also included some stuff I couldn’t name or claim. So I faced the fight at every level. I assaulted myself by combing through each and every piece of myself in order to try and understand why I had allowed myself to take on that victimised persona. Why I had blamed those around me and the circumstances which had began to shape my life. It was a fairly ugly time in which I delved deep into the pits of who I am in order to redefine and re-acquaint myself with my own identity.
And as the pain poured put of me and I could feel the shackles finally becoming looser around my limbs. The endless crying began to subside. I no longer found myself curled up in the same old corner of my same old bed in tears yet again over the same old repetition of sorrowful thoughts. I found a new strength had begun to consume me. I could feel the shackles being removed and the freedom in being able to move my own body the way I wanted to again, without being hampered by the weight of those heavy shackles anymore. I was free and in control again.
When I looked in the mirror I began to like what I saw rather than look away in disgust. Self loathing was beginning to retreat out the back door. The familiarity of self confidence and independence walked straight back in the front door announcing they were home again. My obsessive behaviours were being replaced by the familiar traits of myself whom had been in hibernation, in the hope of preserving themselves from being damaged. Determination and my capable nature got to work again with my new clear decisions which were flowing from every part of my brain. It was during this time that I could feel my new identity was ready to take on the world again. I felt renewed and ready to allow fun into my life. I was craving it more than anything else. I wanted to allow my new found happiness to shine and create a world in which my happiness became so addictive and charismatic to everyone around me. I wanted more than anything to be that person that everyone would look at and instantly feel envious of for being able to shine so brightly.
Depression itself is a lonely place. It is a personal battle with oneself and without doubt the only person whom is able to make those dark clouds disappear is oneself. That is generally why when people do finally throw away those shackles they find themselves to be much stronger individuals than they ever were before. When they finally break through those dark clouds and find the sunshine again, everything seems to carry a hue which is brighter and more beautiful than before. It is quite a euphoric experience in which defines and refines an individual. It can be just as good as a good old fashioned spring cleaning or a sort out of ones wardrobe. But just like with anything, I now understand that happiness is something which needs to be worked at constantly. Retreating back to those dark thoughts and remembering those dark clouds is something which I allow to happen periodically in order to appreciate what I have now. I once prayed and asked for something to make me happy again and now I find myself continuing to be grateful and asking for it to continue, knowing full well that I hold the key to my own happiness.
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